Resetting of Conscience, Priorities, and Emotions

Book: To Hell and Back: Humans of COVID

Author: Barkha Dutt

Price: 699/-

Pages: 288

Year: 2022

Publisher: Juggernaut Books, India

Usually, I have a wisecrack to crack on every occasion. Today, I have none. Even my posts post getting Covid in the second wave in May 2021, were full of humour [Post 1 Post 2]. I was able to laugh at myself. Not today. My pain, my experiences, seem too small today.

Sometime in April 2022, I ordered and got Barkha Dutt’s book, To Hell and Back: Humans of COVID. I was reluctant to start reading it, even though I wanted to. I didn’t want to refresh the memories of what I went through. But finally, I did start reading it last week [3^rd week of July, 2022].

There were a lot of things I reminisced while reading the book. Like wondering, during the period that I was hospitalized, that how would someone who doesn’t know someone get a bed like I had? What if the oxygen supply ran out? What if I was taken to the hospital a couple of hours later? And many such questions.

During that period, I knew of a junior, who had a two-year-old kid, not reaching the hospital on time, and then not even getting a proper funeral. I knew of an uncle who was brilliant and taught me accounts but did not get the right treatment. My thoughts lingered on an aunt who was never diagnosed with Covid but had all the symptoms and passed away soon after. I remember questioning that why did I deserve to live when they could not be saved?

Post Covid, suffering from Long Covid- chronic insomnia, anxiety, hair loss, pain in the bones, palpitations- I constantly battled my symptoms and tried to be normal and move on. Barkha Dutt describes my conversation with her on the Mojo Story on page 255 of her book. She calls me Nutan Banga. When I started reading the book, I realized that I had really moved on.

Barkha Dutt’s book is a solemn reminder of what the pandemic was and gives us a view that none of us could have had individually. The experience of a migrant labourer was very different from the experiences of a cow herder from that of a funeral service provider, to a doctor, and to a well-connected upper-class person, like she herself is. The inequalities that she has presented in her book, even in the way one faced death, are unimaginable to people like us who live in urban bubbles, disconnected from the grassroots, disconnected from our roots, and disconnected from how people outside such bubbles live.

I went to Kundli once and enjoyed the Murthal parathas with white butter and daal makhana. But did I know about the toxic yellow water that the people of this village got? No. The water that caused serious skin diseases, how would they drink that water when even buying drinking water became difficult? 

Or consider the corpses of 20 tribal migrant workers who were so exhausted from all the walking that they went to sleep on the railway tracks where “they thought they would not be noticed or disturbed by the police. A goods train ran over them an hour later.” [Pg38] A chill went up my spine.

Most of us were helpless in the case of covid deaths to a large extent. Whether it was the availability of beds in the hospitals, medicines, oxygen, testing, what could most of us do? How could I help the migrants or those who lost their jobs? Sonu Sood did it. Many others did. But let’s just say that I am a more ordinary person. At least it was a good excuse to console myself. But I could not stop my tears for a long time when I read about Aishwarya.

The girl from Shadnagar, 50kms from Hyderabad, Aishwarya, committed suicide. She committed suicide because her parents could not afford to buy her a laptop or a smart phone to continue her education. “If I can’t study, I can’t live”, she wrote in her suicide note [pg 233-234]. Probably because of the geographical proximity, probably because she got an admission at the Lady Shri Ram College despite the poverty and circumstances, probably because I feel strongly for the cause of girl education, my tears would just not stop. Could I have helped if I knew what she was going through? Would I have helped? The fact is that I did nothing. Not for her. Not for anyone.

I would gladly give away all my hair if I could save Aishwarya.

The pandemic was sudden, but not improbable. Bill Gates warned against “the next outbreak” in 2014. National Geographic warned of how deforestation was causing bats to have “no other option than to fly elsewhere in search of food, carrying with them a deadly disease” in a 2019 article. But the world at large was not prepared for the Covid19. Some events need to be prepared for due to the severity of their impact. The governments must build their Afsluitdijks to prepare for such events. The quantum of impact, the number of people impacted, the physical, emotional, economic, and societal disruption is of catastrophic scale. Life cannot go back to normal.

To understand the severity of the catastrophe that Covid19 unleashed on humanity, each one of us should read the book. It will make us realise that there is life beyond our bubbles. While everyone’s sorrow and difficulties are exactly that- sorrows and difficulties- and thus, cannot be undermined, different situations have very different impact on the different strata of society. And in some cases, survival itself becomes a challenge.

Some books move you. Leave an indelible mark on you. And this is one such book. I am not going to comment on the writing style, what the government did or did not do, the organization of the chapters, etc. Sometimes, the message is far too important, the story is so powerful and compelling that how it is delivered doesn’t matter.

I cried many a times while reading the book, choked many times, sometimes just happy to be alive, while at the other times questioning why I was alive? What was I doing? And what am I going to do now? These questions are haunting me. Something in me changed after Covid. Something in me has changed again after reading this book.

Pandemic Puts India’s Diversity Record to a Test

This article was first published in the Risk Intelligence, GARP, July 02, 2021

https://www.garp.org/risk-intelligence/culture-governance/conduct-ethics/a1Z5d000008elqaEAA

The banking system has stood out with high-profile women CEOs, but a national gender diversity index has declined

Gains in gender diversity, among other inequality issues getting high-level policy attention before COVID-19 struck, have been set back since. It is a harsh reality now being faced in India, one of the countries hit hardest by the coronavirus.

The big emerging market’s banks were held out as exceptions to old norms, with several major institutions led by women, but the departures of some of them now stand out, at least symbolically, as reminders of a persisting gender gap.

The global backdrop, as described by International Monetary Fund chief economist Gita Gopinath in the fund’s spring 2021 Finance & Development publication, is that “low-skilled workers, women, and youth – who are vastly over-represented in jobs where social distancing is difficult or impossible – experienced the largest increases in unemployment in many countries, exacerbating pre-pandemic inequalities.”

An IMF working paper in March on women in the so-called she-cession, a study of 38 advanced and emerging economies, found “over half to two-thirds exhibiting larger declines in women’s than men’s employment rates.”

Legislating a Standard

Official measures to promote women’s advancement in Indian corporations included the Companies Act of 2013, Section 149 (1), requiring listed companies to have at least one woman on their board. By 2020, 17% had women directors, up from 4% in 2013.

However, a 2020 gender balance scorecard from 20 First shows that of the 175 executive team members in the top 20 Indian companies, only 6% (11) were women. Seven of the companies had women on their executive teams.

Discriminatory factors can be more or less subtle: exclusionary and “men’s club” environments, sexism in recruiting, males ignoring or disrespecting female colleagues, and pay disparities. In the World Economic Forum Global Gender Gap Index for 2021, India fell 28 places, to 140th out of 156 countries. Women’s labor force participation decreased to 22.3%, from 24.8% the year before.

Iceland is the world’s most gender-equal country, India ranks 140th, according to the World Economic Forum Global Gender Gap Index. India is farther below the population-weighted average (♢) in the Economic Participation and Opportunity subindex.

Exception to the Rule

India’s banking industry stood in contrast to the “dominant norm” of gender asymmetry across the corporate sector. It was one of the first instances of an emerging market employing gender quotas and women leaders to promote diversity. HSBC’s Naina Lal Kidwai, UBS’ Manisha Girotra, Axis Bank’s Shikha Sharma and ICICI Bank’s Chanda Kochhar rose to the top of their respective organizations.

Besides being run by women, these banks employed relatively more women at each level. One study estimated that between 2001 and 2011, hiring of women officers in banks increased to 14.45% from 6.69%, with smaller growth seen in subordinate and clerical positions. By 2019, the banking, financial services and insurance (BFSI) sector was just under 20% women, and 50% parity was projected by 2027 for the 100 Best Companies for Women in India. 

According to primeinfobase.com, there has been a steady increase in the number of women employed as board members in private and public sector banks, insurance companies, non-banking financial companies (NBFCs) and asset management firms. The percentage of women board members on Nifty 100 companies rose to 16% in 2021 from 7% in 2012, while at NBFCs it jumped to 18.43% from 3.68%.

Changes at the Top

Among other things, the trend is credited to one of the largest private banks, ICICI Bank, for nurturing women leaders during a period of economic liberalization and expansion. Chanda Kocchar in 2009 was the first ever female CEO at an Indian bank.

However, Kocchar, Sharma of Axis Bank and Usha Ananthasubramanian of Allahabad Bank had untimely exits due to governance issues at their respective banks. In addition, declining percentages of women board members at two major public sector banks between 2020 and 2021 – State Bank of India’s to 4.5% from 6%, and Punjab National Bank’s to 11% from 14%, according to primeinfobase – could be worrying from a diversity perspective if it is more than a temporary blip.

As investors and other stakeholders continue to be vocal about the need for corporate diversity, and more research reveals the benefits of gender parity, women in the critical financial services sector could lead a real cultural revolution in India. The industry has genuinely gone beyond just ticking off a list of regulatory requirements and token gestures, given its past record of female representation on boards, in senior management positions and at other levels.

HDFC Bank provided diversity data in its annual report, stating, “We strive to create and maintain an inclusive work environment for all our employees irrespective of gender, caste, creed, color, sexual orientation, religion, among others.”

HDFC Bank, India’s largest private bank, in its 2020-21 annual report, disclosed diversity indicators, acknowledging the gaps and pledging improvements. The bank has a target of 25% women in its workforce (excluding frontline staff and sales officers) by fiscal year 2025 and says it is “working simultaneously on talent acquisition, as well as talent retention.”

Women role models in leadership positions give hope and impetus to millions of others to dream big – an impact that can be compounded if the industry stays on course as an exceptional North Star for others.

  

“We don’t know about tomorrow,” said the horse, “all we need to know is that we love each other.”- Charlie Mackesy

Most of you might have read my experiences with Covid. If not, it can be read here https://npbang.blogspot.com/2021/05/up-close-and-personal.html

This blog post is about the last month, post-Covid, recovery phase. I will not repeat the things that I have already mentioned in the earlier post. And once again the disclaimer: It seems that the recovery process and timeline follow a long-tailed distribution. While many may have similar and expected experiences, many others have very different trajectories. It cannot be generalized. However, what is certain is, as Kabir said:

चलती चक्की देख के, दिया कबीरा रोये ।

दो पाटन के बीच में, साबुत बचा न कोए ।

That is, between a pair of quern stones, nobody remains whole. In the context of Covid, once contracted, however mild, nobody remains as they were before Covid. Physically as well as mentally.

Homecoming: My 11 years old daughter made a poster that depicted the corona virus being killed and welcomed me home with excitement. While I have always been very fond of my home and long to get back to it even if I am away for a couple of days, the emotions that the return from the hospital elicited were intense. Legs too weak to carry me to every corner, my eyes took in as much of home as they could.

It felt like the Shahrukh Khan entry scene from the movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Except that I came in a car. Not a helicopter. And my daughter had a poster in her hand to welcome me instead of a puja ka thaali for aarti.

In the Storm: The primary concern for the first week was weakness and constant monitoring of oxygen saturation levels. Weakness was severe and oxygen levels did drop at times after walking a few steps or sitting for some time. Unfortunately, in the second wave, possibilities of post-covid complications were likely. So apart from weakness and oxygen levels, even a slight cough, or a headache, or eye ache, or discomfort in breathing, or a pain in the stomach, were all symptoms of black fungus or pulmonary embolism or a stomach infection or could be indicative of something else. Mind was on high alert and noticed every single change in the body. It continues to be, as the threat of a secondary infection or heart related problems loom until a few months post covid.

Upon recommendation from a friend, I read this lovely book “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy a few days after coming back home. And loved these lines: “This storm is real, and our fear is real,” said the horse. “But our love is also real, and in the end, love wins.”

Also, these “This storm is making me tired,” said the boy. “Storms get tired too,” said the horse, “So hold on.”

Weakness: Two things helped me regain some basic level of strength in about 10 days. First, drinking lots and lots of fluids. About 5 litres a day; water, coconut water, freshly made juices, buttermilk, and ORS. I could feel the improvement each day and even the difference on a day I had lower levels of fluids. Second, the fact that I was relatively fitter and healthy. After about 10 days, the improvement was not perceptible on a daily basis, and the delta became smaller with each passing day. My fitness level is down to zero right now. It is as though I have never exercised in my life. It may be a couple of months more before I go back to my pre-covid levels of fitness and that would now require starting with some conscious exercises and training. Patience is the key.

धीरे-धीरे रे मना, धीरे सब कुछ होय ।

माली सींचे सौ घड़ा, ॠतु आए फल होय ।

As Kabir says, everything happens at its own pace. As a gardener may water the plants with a hundred buckets of water, but the fruits arrive only in its season, similarly, whatever you may do, have patience and you will see the fruits of your hard work.

Food: While in the hospital, I lost 5kgs weight. My skin became dry, lost all elasticity, appeared wrinkled and sagged. Just a couple of days after coming back home, my appetite suddenly went up. I regained some taste. And wanted to eat all the time. Even now, a month later, I feel like eating all the time. With increased appetite, the weight came back, and some more ☹. Here, I must say that I ate regular food that is cooked at home and did not make any attempt to eat healthier options that few people suggested. I included seasonal fruits (only mangoes, litchis and watermelons) and lots of fluids in my diet. The dryness of the skin has improved though it remains loose. Again, exercise should help with toning.

जिन खोजा तिन पाइया, गहरे पानी पैठ,

मैं बपुरा बूडन डरा, रहा किनारे बैठ

In these couplets, Kabir inspires us to work hard and seek. Those who search in deep waters, find something. Whereas those who sit at the fence for fear of drowning do not get anything. So, I must pursue fitness now and get rid of the fear that Covid has deep rooted in my mind, in order to get back to the pre-Covid level of fitness.

Anxiety and Insomnia: These two have been my companions frequently in the past as well. But I mostly had reasons to be anxious and could explain the sleeplessness. The frequency has now increased, and I have no reasons now.

मुझे नींद न आए, मुझे चैन न आए…

हालत क्या है कैसे तुझे बताऊँ मैं, करवट बदल-बदल के रात बिताऊँ मैं

पूछो ज़रा पूछो क्या हाल है, हाल मेरा बेहाल है

कोई समझ न पाए क्या रोग सताए…

This super hit song from the Madhuri Dixit and Amir Khan starrer movie Dil (1990) describes my state quite well. The problem is that it is very difficult to explain this to anyone. Why am I not sleeping? What is bothering me? Even I don’t know. I cannot explain. It is just an after effect of Covid.

Yes, I have tried counting 1 to 10 to calm my mind and breath; yes, I have tried deep breathing many times but did not fall asleep; yes, I have tried white noise and various apps; none of them worked. I just hope this is temporary.

Concentration and memory: I’m an academician, a researcher. A lot of what I do requires me to have a good memory, to pull out anecdotes, facts, numbers, and findings, that I might have read long ago, from the depths of my memory. People used to tell me that I have an elephant’s memory. I would remember the page number in a book where I read something interesting. I have had moments in the last few weeks when I have struggled to recall names and words. Similarly, I pride myself for my ability to concentrate even amid many distractions. The nature of my work requires me to concentrate. I am not able to watch or read for more than 2-3 minutes at a stretch now. I would be devastated if Covid has a long-lasting impact on either my concentration or memory. I hope not.

Compare this to the days when I was doing a PhD. I had flat mates who were working. They would come back from work and put on the TV or loud music and partied often at our flat. I could study with complete focus at those times too. Sometimes, when there were too many people around, I would go and sit in the balcony that faced the very busy Banjara Hills Road Number 3 (Hyderabad) and studied under the streetlight that lit a part of the balcony as well (the balcony itself had no bulb/tubelight). I could easily concentrate and study even with all the noise on the road.

How do you feel? I have no answer to this question. It is a seesaw. On one day I feel good, on the other very low. One day I have no perceptible issues, the very next day, I feel that there is a faint ache in my heart that needs investigation. Yesterday, I was laughing and joking with everyone, today, I just want to be quiet. I don’t know how to answer this question.

One of my all-time favorite movies is Hrithik Roshan and Preity Zinta starrer Lakshya (2004). Javed Akhtar wrote these lyrics that seemed more like a conversation with a best friend rather than a song and were beautifully given music to by Shankar, Ehsan and Loy.

अब मुझको ये है करना, अब मुझे वो करना है

आख़िर क्यूँ मैं ना जानूँ, क्या है कि जो करना है

लगता है अब जो सीधा, कल मुझे लगेगा उल्टा

देखो ना मैं हूँ जैसे, बिल्कुल उल्टा-पुल्टा

These lines play in my head every time someone asks me, “How are you feeling now?” or “How’s your recovery?” In my mind even my expressions are similar to those of Hrithik’s as he is dancing to this song. However, I keep a straight face and say, “I am doing quite well. Thank you.”

Covid Conversations: The most difficult part of recovery is to stay positive. Unfortunately, the time around which I had Covid, the cases were at their peak across the country. There were depressing news of people losing the battle, shortage of oxygen, medicines, beds, and deaths of people too close to home. Each day, the conversations around the morning tea inevitably shifted to Covid updates even though we started out saying that we will not talk about Covid. It had an impact on the mood at home, it seemed like there was nothing to look forward to and there was the survivor’s guilt as well as the reckoning that I had come so close to becoming “news” myself. From the time the number of cases has started coming down, there is a distinct positivity in my attitude and a desire to get well sooner. Even though it is difficult, staying positive helps.

Many songs of Kishore Kumar are brilliant. However, this one from Safar (1970) is perhaps one of his best (debatable of course).

ज़िन्दगी का सफ़र, है ये कैसा सफ़र

कोई समझा नहीं, कोई जाना नहीं

[The journey of life is incomprehensible. Nobody has been able to understand it]

The unpredictability of life has been amply demonstrated to us by Covid. However, it has also shown the helplessness of the humankind and made us accept life the way it is…

ये जीवन है, इस जीवन का

यही है, यही है, यही है रंगरूप

थोड़े ग़म हैं, थोड़ी खुशियाँ

यही है, यही है, यही है छाँव धूप

-      Piya Ka Ghar (1972), sung by Kishore Kumar

I hope this will be the concluding part of my experiences with Covid and nothing major, worth writing about, happens hence forth. I would like to end with a word of caution. I still see many people relying on cloth masks. I too wore them. In fact, I have them in all variety; Pochampally, Ikat, Madhubani, Kalamkari, with embroidery, in all colours to match my dresses. They are not at all adequate. Don’t let your guard down. Double mask up. Because it’s worth it! 

Up Close and Personal

I am neither a doctor. Nor an expert. These are my own experiences and may not apply to many others or even any other. A few may read it just as another Covid survivor’s tale, a few may find it relatable, a few may be able to recall a point or two from this note later that might tilt them in favor or against a certain decision or behavior. For me, it is a chronicle of an event that will leave an everlasting impact on my life.

Puppets: On April 3^rd, 2021, I cycled 100kms non-stop. It was no mean feat for me. Though little did I know that within a month, even taking 10 steps will be difficult. I had my entire May planned. I was on leave from April 24^th to May 30^th. I was to spend time doing nothing with my extended family. Alas, I am reminded of this scene from the 1965 blockbuster Waqt,

Waqt hi sab kuch hai. Waqt hi banata hai. Aur waqt hi bighadta hai [Time is everything. Time makes us. And time destroys us].

Whether we call it time or some super-power. There are certain things that are totally outside our control. As Anand (Rajesh Khanna) says in the 1971 superhit movie Anand, “Hum sab to rangmanch ki kathputliyan hai jinki dor upar waale ki ungliyon mein bandhi hai [we all are puppets of the theater whose string is tied in the fingers of God].”

I am not one to talk much about God. Even now I won’t. Most of you know me as a very organized and well-planned person. But the events of last month stumped each plan, everything that could go wrong, went wrong and my 5-weeks of planned leave from work now seems like a planned “Sick-leave”.

Non-Zero Probability ALWAYS exists: While taking all precautions, though not being paranoid, I believed that all of us will anyways get Covid some day or the other. It was just a matter of time. And the way I believe I contracted the virus proves that. I believe that I contracted the virus despite taking all precautions. I was not without a mask. It was perhaps an adjustment of the mask or touching of the nose or the mouth after touching an infected surface. Unconsciously. How much ever precautions one takes, none of us are safe really. So be vigilant, yet mentally prepared that you can get Covid. It is really not in your hands. We can reduce the probability of getting the virus. But we can’t make the probability zero.

Immediate Isolation: I got regular cough and cold to begin with. It had rained in Hyderabad on those days. It seemed like an allergy due to change in weather. Or at the most another episode of Sinusitis. In any case, I isolated myself immediately. And this is very important. Very early isolation is perhaps the reason my other family members and domestic help did not get it eventually. If in doubt, isolate. Completely. There is nothing like selective isolation. It is important to keep each family member safe. I often hear people say that if the entire family gets it, you are done and dusted. You don’t have to live in fear of getting it in the future. First, you can get it again. Second, each member’s body can react differently. It may not be a mild case for all. As far as you can, protect each member of the family. It is better to NOT get Covid at all.

Confirmation of Covid: In two days, I realized that I had lost smell and that is when I was sure that I had Covid. From the next day, I started to get fever as well. I started online consulting with a pulmonologist. All was fine. Medicines were regular Dolo, Zincovit and Limcee. SPO2 was above 94-95. CT Scan showed 4/25 or a 16% lung infection. It seemed like a mild case.

As a regular frustrated wife, mother, and primary caretaker of the home, I was “kind of” happy. To get food in my room for 14 days, no worries about taking care of the maids, buying groceries or vegetables, or taking care of anybody else’s needs. I would have uninterrupted time to watch mindless series on OTT platforms. Also, I would soon be on the other side. With antibodies! Free bird for at least a few months, post-covid. All wishful thinking. Short-lived.

Progression of the Illness: My temperature started to go up by the next day. It was not coming down with Dolo. It would come down momentarily with Meftal but then within an hour it was back to 103 degrees. This went on for 3 days. By then I had become quite weak. The next day I was asked to do another CT Scan that showed a 12/25 damage that is 48% lungs were infected. I was asked to get admitted. But my SPO2 was still above 92-93. I had no breathlessness, and the only concern was high fever. That too is apparently common in the latest strains of the virus. I was a bit skeptical about getting admitted. Was not feeling that sick. But Pavan did not want to take a chance. And I was not in a state to resist much.

Getting admitted would also mean that things were getting serious. It may not be as enjoyable as being at home and getting pampered! Plus, it was more hassle than what I was ready to let my family go through, with glee, albeit with a little guilt.

The Tipping Point: From the diagnostic Centre to home to hospital took about two hours. In those two hours, my condition deteriorated, and I started having breathlessness. I could not stand in the lift when going down to the car. I had to sit down. Could not walk from the lift to the car. By the time I reached the hospital, it was clear that I needed immediate oxygen support. I am writing this part in detail to convey firsthand experience of how things got critical in a just a couple of hours. And if we had delayed admission, it could have been a huge mistake. At the hospital, I was immediately put on oxygen support. I was told that I needed moderate oxygen support only and should be fine in a couple of days. I was put in a regular Covid room.

By the next day morning, my condition had deteriorated further, and I needed greater oxygen support plus monitoring. There was no further CT Scan done but it was clear that infection in my lungs had spread more. The SPO2 was coming down to 80 even with external oxygen support. Once again, it might have been very costly had we delayed hospitalization. I was able to get the right help and stabilized quickly only because I was already in the hospital. So, I do want to reiterate that early hospitalization is very important in case there are even slightest of signs of breathlessness or persistent high fever. Persistent high fever apparently internally spreads the virus very quickly and we do not realize it soon enough if we generally have a healthy lung.

Early hospitalization and correct medical support also ensure that we avoid panic and last-minute search for a hospital bed when things start to look bad. It is really a matter of hours in the case of oxygen saturation going out of hand. It is very easy for those critical hours to go by without getting the right medical support as you are figuring out hospital, doctor, bed, packing clothes, etc. Act as early as you can. Every minute counts.

For some reason, this song, written by Indeevar, from the Ajay Devgn and Tabu starrer movie Vijaypath (1994), kept playing in my mind for 2-3 days during this period. I imagined Tabu dancing in that garish pink lehenga:

aas ne dil ka saath na chhoda vaise ham ghabrae toh [hope did not leave me, though I was shaken/worried].

This line is quite appropriate, even though the complete song and the picturization of the dance in my head seems over the top and can be attributed to disorientation of my mind due to fever! But those of you who know me well know that I am perfectly capable of imagining such things even when my frame of mind is completely normal.

ICU Experience: The experiences at the ICU are life altering. You see people dying around you. Struggle of the medical force to keep someone alive. And you know that it could be you too any moment. The monitor beeps and you think “what has gone wrong?” Two nurses come to your bed together and call up a doctor. You know that something is wrong. But just trust the doctors. That’s the best that we can do as a patient. Also know that in an ICU you are being monitored round the clock and if something does go wrong, you are in the best place where a contingency can be handled. All parameters like oxygen saturation, chest condition (x-ray), blood sugar levels, heart rate, and all kinds of infections are tested for continuously. Even if something is slightly out of range, they control for it. Have that faith. Give yourself unto the experts. Keep all doubt, news and whatsapp university gyan aside. It helps.

ICU is not for rest: Doctors and nurses are truly stretched to the hilt. The working conditions donning full PPE kits are very difficult. We find it difficult to wear masks continuously. Imagine wearing a PPE kit for hours. It is frustrating to see the inefficiencies at the hospital. My analytical mind was unconsciously doing the math about how many nurse hours, bed occupation, doctor’s time, etc. can be saved if things are done in some other way or if simple things are done more consciously. But really, all resources are just focusing on keeping people alive. So, whatever the conditions, just focus on recovery, and get back home alive. Rest and relaxation can happen at home. Also, the hospitals can do an overhaul of their productivity and efficiency once the Covid wave subsides. Right now, they are doing a tremendous job of just making sure that people receive critical care.

One night, a nurse was playing a dhinchak Telugu song at a reasonably loud volume, at around 2am in the ICU. It was obviously quite frustrating, and I felt like Raja (Jimmy Shergill) from the movie Tanu Weds Manu, standing in front of the marriage bureau officer to get married while the officer chatted away on the phone with his “bebe”. While getting married was the most important event in the life of Raja and Tanu (Kangana Ranaut), it was work as usual for the marriage bureau officer.

Yes, it can be frustrating. But the nurses and doctors are humans too and the current situation is not a one-two day ordeal for them. They have been going through this over-stretched, under pressure, working conditions for too long. Give some leeway to them and the system. They are saving lives. Everything else is too trivial to complain about.

Weaning off the external oxygen support: It is a process where you need to take a leap of faith. You start feeling that you can’t breathe without the support. The heart sinks when you remove the oxygen support and slowly see the SPO2 go down to 88, 87, 86…A lot of will power needs to be mustered to keep increasing the time without oxygen support. The worst is that the SPO2 drops even if you just sit up from a lying down position. That’s the kind of weakness and lung damage that happens for some people. But remember that our system is very robust and resilient. It will bounce back. Again, keep faith, have determination, and take small steps at a time. Trust the doctors. If they say you can do it. You can.

I was shifted back to a Covid room from the ICU. The oxygen support was removed. I got off the bed and stood up to switch off the AC. There was no remote and the switch was a few steps away. I felt giddy. I held on to the railing of the bed. Took a couple of steps forward and held on to the wall. Felt giddy. Took a few more uncertain steps. Switched off the AC. Felt my head swing. I was holding on to the wall with all my might and sat down where I was. I looked around. For a moment I felt that there would be a hero who will hold me as I fall. There was none. I got up and walked back to the bed. Disappointed that I was in a hospital room and not in a Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge Karva Chauth scene and there was no SRK to hold me if I fainted. Covid rooms are lonely that way!

Post Covid complications: They are real. Especially if you have had a more than mild case. Weakness is severe. Inexplicable. Small things like brushing the teeth are tiring. Chewing is tiring. Limbs are like jelly. Where does all the energy and muscles disappear in a matter of a few days? Are these the same legs that pedaled 100kms?

There are other side-effects of medication that are random. For 5-6 days, whenever I closed my eyes, I was delirious. Images kept floating in front of my eyes at very fast pace. It was like being inside a fast-moving kaleidoscope. It was difficult to sleep. These side effects are slowly coming down.

On one of the nights when I felt delirious, I imagined myself on the sets of “Nainon me sapna, Sapnon me sajna, Sajnaa pe dil aa gayaa, Kyoon sajna pe dil aa gayaa”. I saw drums. The patterns on the pots, the dancers, and very fast dance steps. I am pretty sure there was no Jitendra because there was no “white”. Everything was very colorful.

The side-effects of steroids, stopping the steroids, need to be observed. Apparently, the steroids suppress a lot of activity in the body. Once the steroids are stopped, it is expected that a few discomforting symptoms may emerge. If these effects are mild, they can be ignored. They will go away on their own. If any of these symptoms are severe, then we need to investigate again.

There are many other minor things that don’t give a good feeling overall. Like for me, my ear drums are blocked. Eyes are always painful. There is a heaviness in the head. There’s a constant tingling sensation in the limbs. There is still no smell and partial loss of taste. All these are expected to slowly decrease.

Mental Frame post-Covid: In severe cases, it is close encounter with a life and death situation. Or at least we know that it could have been very close. So, there is a lot of contemplation that goes on inside the mind. Questions about the futility of everything, purpose in life, importance of family members, who matters and who does not, what matters and what does not, karma, dharma and yama, all keep cropping up. I don’t feel like talking to many people. I feel a sense of calm. There is a lot of concern about “if” there will be any “complications” during recovery. Mind is hyper alert for any new symptoms or any changes in the way I feel. I suppose this is all a part of the recovery process and slowly I will get back to being my silly self!

Whatsapp University Experts: If you get Covid, detach and totally ignore all unsolicited advice from self-proclaimed experts on Covid. Everyone seems to have advice to give on how to tackle Covid. Each covid case is different. Complication levels are different. And these people are not doctors, period. Get proper and timely medical help.

It amazes me to think that even in this age and date, there are people who think they know better than the others, are better read, better informed and therefore must impart their unasked-for advice. As though they have exclusive rights to the whatsapp university and the access to internet. Or maybe they have better reading speed and hence have read more articles than the others. Or have better comprehension than the others and hence must take it upon themselves to tell and explain to others how a Covid situation needs to be handled. Anyways, I do understand that it is difficult for a few people to refrain from giving gyan. It is their compulsive disorder. It has nothing to do with whether others’ want their gyan or not. For your own sake, ignore them. Get a qualified doctor’s help.

There are people who told me to take steam when I was in the ICU. Clearly, if taking steam would cure me, I would not have been in the ICU. There were people who told me what to eat and drink while I was in the ICU. A couple of people also sent messages asking me to tell the doctor about the medication that I should be given. If you are the patient, or the immediately family, just shut your mind from all such messages. There is no nice way of saying this.

Managing Calls and Whatsapp Messages: It is a good idea to create one message in the morning and one in the evening and send to the family and close friends whatsapp groups to avoid getting individual calls and messages. Despite this, there will be many calls and messages. I am not sure if there is an optimal way to handle them. We just hope people understand that for them it is one message. For the family and the patient, there are hundreds of messages and calls. Persistent calls and messages from a few people can be irritating. But just keep your calm and ignore them. Also, there are just too many things to take care of. We do our best in terms of replying to the messages and answering calls and hope that when we are not doing our best, people understand.

I apologize to those who complained that I did not reply to their message or did not answer their calls. It was my first time in the ICU. I was a bit, let us say, “not well”. So please do excuse me.

What I do want to emphatically say is that it is overwhelming to know that so many people care for us. We know that most of these people are just a call away in case we need any help. We know that they are really worried for us and are our well-wishers. We feel loved and important. Many of you have been silently supportive and our strength during the last couple of weeks. You know who you are, and we cannot thank you enough. We are eternally grateful for all the good wishes and prayers and lucky to have such loving friends, colleagues, and family.

Fitness and Covid: Many people wondered that I am so fit and do so much yoga and pranayama. How could I get Covid? Well, my yoga teacher tested positive too. He is one of the fittest people I know of. Plus, so many cricketers and bollywood super fits actors have got Covid. So, fitness has nothing to do with getting Covid or it’s severity. But there is a chance that I will have a faster recovery due to better immunity and generally a fitter profile. It is yet to be seen.

Overall, Covid is a very bad illness. Hope no one gets it. If at all anyone gets it, hope it is asymptomatic or very mild. Anything a little more than mild is not good and has long lasting impact on the feeling of well-being. However, one positive that has come out of me getting Covid is that now my husband knows how to “Dunzo” groceries and vegetables. Of course, it’s possible that one side effect of Covid is brain-fog for the spouse. So, he may forget it in a matter of days. However, I am hoping that “Dunzoing” is like swimming or driving. Once you learn it, it becomes muscle memory. Yet to be seen and tested.

Thank you for reading this account of my experiences and being a part of my journey for a while.

Ideals of Diversity and Inclusion Confront Pressures of the Pandemic

This article was first published in the Risk Intelligence, GARP, October 09, 2020; Co-author- Sai Nitya Bodavala

https://www.garp.org/?gclid=CjwKCAiAnIT9BRAmEiwANaoE1X4rhFetaNK1DLTbwhctSbYRfytVuS2XlAAat-3d08bCZpDi59HqLxoChLMQAvD_BwE#!/risk-intelligence/culture-governance/conduct-ethics/a1Z1W000005jKKbUAM

The economic downturn is a stress test for a pillar of ESG policy and analysis

In a 2015 report, The Power of Parity, McKinsey & Co. concluded that if women fully participated in the world economy, global GDP would increase $28 trillion by 2025. India alone could account for $770 billion of that amount.

In the United States, according to a recent study by Citi, racial inequality cost the economy as much as $16 trillion over a 20-year period.

The benefits of gender and racial equality – the diversity and inclusion objectives now embraced by much of the corporate world – are more and more evident. The tide rose and prosperity spread during years of economic growth. Will the pandemic-constrained economy put these gains and commitments at risk?

“The global pandemic has certainly brought to light a renewed focus on diversity and inclusion, reinforcing the reality that we are all in this together,” Debra Walton, chief revenue officer of Refinitiv, said in September when the financial data and technology company released its annual Diversity & Inclusion (D&I) Index.

Those advocating greater representation of women in executive suites were heartened when Citigroup – which ranks 60th on the D&I Index top 100 – designated Jane Fraser as its next CEO, effective in February.

Ranking	Company	Overall Score
1	BlackRock, Inc.	81
2	Natura & Co Holding SA	80.25
3	Accenture Plc	80
4	Royal Bank of Canada	79
5	Industria de Diseno Textil SA	78.5
6	L'Oreal SA	78
7	Allianz SE	77.75
8	Telecom Italia SpA	77.75
9	Novartis AG	77.5
10	Bank of Nova Scotia	77.25

“The global pandemic and social unrest this year has reinforced the focus on diversity and inclusion in the workplace coming from different business stakeholder groups,” said Elena Philipova, global head of ESG at Refinitiv. The D&I Index, now in its fifth year, based on hundreds of environmental, social and governance data points and topped by asset management giant BlackRock, “emphasizes the critical importance for companies to commit to, measure and report on their diversity journey beyond gender. Sustainable and resilient workforce is the fuel for businesses especially during volatile times.”

Gaps Remain

And yet, only 37 of the Fortune 500 corporations are led by women, and minorities remain significantly under-represented on corporate boards, according to an Institutional Shareholder Services ESG analysis reported in the New York Times. 

Those boards must contend with the reality, as expressed in a Bloomberg Professional Services blog article last year, that “companies that do not evolve with the times, embody the principles of their target markets and implement clear diversity initiatives will quickly find themselves struggling to retain clients – especially in light of the wealth transfer to the millennial generation that is expected in the next five to ten years.”

In support of women, companies have altered workspaces to be more accommodative to breastfeeding mothers, implemented leadership development programs, and encouraged women to enter into traditionally male sectors such as manufacturing. 

For When Women Thrive, Businesses Thrive, Mercer analyzed workforce gender equality in multiple industries and geographies. “The overall representation of women at an average organization is 47% across all functions and career levels,” Mercer senior consultant Ayçe Nisancioglu writes. “Women comprise 58% of support staff and 21% of executives. Among [126] financial services organizations participating in the survey, there are fewer women compared to men entering the workforce, and women are hired at lower rates compared to men in all levels, except the senior manager level.” 

Internal Labor Market Map on Financial Services Organizations

Source: Mercer

Job Loss

Historically, in economic downturns, men's jobs have been more at risk than women's, owing to men's greater representation in sectors such as manufacturing. In the recession of 2007-'09, 5.5 million men lost their jobs, versus 2.5 million women. Sectors hit hardest by COVID-19 – leisure and hospitality, health and education, and retail trade sectors – have a disproportionately high number of female employees, making them 1.8 times more likely than men to lose their jobs,” McKinsey says.

An analysis by Ashoka University economics professor Ashwini Deshpande found that in India, men lost 100 million jobs in April 2020, as opposed to 17 million women. However, absolute numbers can be deceiving. When compared to March-April of 2019, 29% of men reported a loss in employment in April 2020, women 39%. The pandemic has left a larger percentage of women unemployed.

In India's informal sector, in 2017-18, 4.9 million domestic workers were considered regular but unprotected, two-thirds of them women. Current social distancing norms disallow these women from working, meaning that if they were the sole earners in their family, they have no source of steady income. Even in those sectors where working from home is a possibility, women face considerable difficulties. 

Childcare and Chores

The advances of women in the corporate world, and into jobs that were traditionally male, has contributed to a redefinition of conventional gender roles. The expectation that women must still manage their household has not abated, however. Working women have had to devise ways to manage their work, their home lives, and raise their children. Having different physical spaces – home and office – can be helpful for balancing these activities. The pandemic has upended this idea entirely. 

The closure of schools and offices forces all family members to stay at home and figure out a new dynamic. With parents working from home and having to care for children with little to no chance of getting additional help, women seen a regression in role expectations. An OECD report found that women in India on average spend six hours a day on unpaid care work, while men spend 36 minutes on the same. 

In the context of the pandemic, a Boston Consulting Group study of working parents in the U.K., U.S., France, Germany and Italy found that women are currently spending 15 more hours on household and childcare activities per week than men. The results are reinforced by Cambridge-INET Institute in Inequality in the Impact of the Coronavirus Shock: Evidence from Real-Time Surveys. 

“When men went to war in times when conquest and bravery were the proud badges to wear, women stepped up and supported the soldier in every way they could,” said an Economic Times article. “The working woman has been largely lonely in contrast, in a society that still can't see women as holding important positions at work that cannot be compromised.” It seems to be accepted now that when push comes to shove and a choice must be made about whose job is more important, the woman's job takes a back seat, and she is duty-bound to take household responsibilities. If support systems – extended family, household help, day-care centers – crumble, so may women's professional prospects. 

Waning Productivity

The amount of time that women are spending on unpaid care work cuts into what they can devote to their jobs. A study by the Institute for Fiscal Studies in the U.K. found that “mothers are doing paid work during 2 fewer hours of the day than fathers, but they do childcare and housework during 2 more hours each. Mothers combine paid work with other activities (almost always childcare) in 47% of their work hours, compared with 30% of fathers' work hours.” 

A report published in Nature said the number of hours that female academics were able to dedicate to research during the pandemic has come down significantly. This was, again, owing to the increased time spent on childcare and housework. Such impacts could set back the cause of women for future generations.

The U.S. employment report for September 2020 showed the percentage of women working or actively looking for work was 55.6%, the lowest since 1987 (with the exception of last April and May). “We know that women leaving the workforce to care for children for a while has lasting effects on their earnings, their seniority and their climb up the ladder,” Julia Pollak, a labor economist with the career site ZipRecruiter, told the New York Times. 

Digitization and Credit

Some of the touted benefits of digitizing the workplace are heightened efficiency, greater flexibility, faster implementation and the like. But how does the digitization benefit women? 

A lot of small-scale female entrepreneurs in services such as salons, food catering and boutiques have lost their livelihoods due to the pandemic. The impact of digitization is questionable. 

However, should the digitization within these sectors be designed in such a way that it increases access to formal credit for these women, it may be beneficial. Currently, small-scale women entrepreneurs have a tough time accessing loans to fund their enterprises, but digitizing their banking and simplifying the credit process may ultimately help then to revive their businesses. 

For women working in sectors where digitization is possible, perhaps more research needs to be done to determine mental health effects. Working from home has brought om feelings of isolation and depression. Although work-from-home is intended to offer more flexibility, it could also be argued that the workday for women never seems to end, and there is no clearly defined line between work and home life. 

Sustain the Commitment

COVID-19 has brought about unforeseen changes in the lives of everyone, forcing adaptation to a “new normal.” Still unresolved is the question of who bears the brunt of this adjustment. 

Despite all the strides toward gender equality, there has also been a reversion to conventional roles that may set women back by a decade or two. Avoiding this dismal outcome will require a policy response by governments and companies. Writes Bloomberg Opinion columnist Elisa Martinuzzi, “As governments shift from handing out financial lifelines to restarting and rethinking their economies, they could tie aid to goals of sustainability, such as improving the balance of women in companies' leadership.” 

Diversity and inclusion efforts can suffer when survival is at stake. Ian Cook, vice president of data analytics company Visier, argues that D&I must be strongly embedded in decision-making processes so that companies remain true to their values and uphold commitments that they have made to their employees, especially during a time of crisis. And this is sure to reward them in the long run. 

“Make sure that inclusion is a core value of the organization – not just something you do to ‘check a box,’” leaders of the Center for Talent Innovation (CTI) and Center for Workforce Excellence wrote in Harvard Business Review. “For instance, when CTI's CEO Pat Fili-Krushel was head of HR at Time Warner, they instituted a tracking and reporting system to measure progress against the diversity and inclusion goals for each division. Leaders were held accountable with 10% of their bonuses tied to their goals.” 

This is the 21st century. It is a shame that many women still have to explain equality to men. While ways of nature cannot be questioned or undone, in most other areas, let merit alone be the deciding factor. Society and culture change when people want them to change. And this change cannot be brought about by just women. Men must equally participate in bringing about the change that is on their lips, but not always in their actions (– well, for most. Not all).