Most of you might have read my experiences with Covid.
If not, it can be read here https://npbang.blogspot.com/2021/05/up-close-and-personal.html
This blog post is about the last month, post-Covid,
recovery phase. I will not repeat the things that I have already mentioned in
the earlier post. And once again the disclaimer: It seems that the recovery
process and timeline follow a long-tailed distribution. While many may have
similar and expected experiences, many others have very different trajectories.
It cannot be generalized. However, what is certain is, as Kabir said:
चलती चक्की देख के, दिया कबीरा रोये ।
दो पाटन के बीच में, साबुत बचा न कोए ।
That is, between a pair of quern stones, nobody remains
whole. In the context of Covid, once contracted, however mild, nobody remains
as they were before Covid. Physically as well as mentally.
Homecoming: My 11 years old daughter made a poster that depicted the corona virus
being killed and welcomed me home with excitement. While I have always been
very fond of my home and long to get back to it even if I am away for a couple
of days, the emotions that the return from the hospital elicited were intense.
Legs too weak to carry me to every corner, my eyes took in as much of home as
they could.
It felt like the Shahrukh Khan entry scene from the
movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Except that I came in a car. Not a helicopter.
And my daughter had a poster in her hand to welcome me instead of a puja ka
thaali for aarti.
In the Storm: The primary concern for the first week was weakness and constant monitoring
of oxygen saturation levels. Weakness was severe and oxygen levels did drop at
times after walking a few steps or sitting for some time. Unfortunately, in the
second wave, possibilities of post-covid complications were likely. So apart
from weakness and oxygen levels, even a slight cough, or a headache, or eye
ache, or discomfort in breathing, or a pain in the stomach, were all symptoms of
black fungus or pulmonary embolism or a stomach infection or could be indicative
of something else. Mind was on high alert and noticed every single change in
the body. It continues to be, as the threat of a secondary infection or heart
related problems loom until a few months post covid.
Upon recommendation from a friend, I read this lovely book
“The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy a few days after
coming back home. And loved these lines: “This storm is real, and our fear is
real,” said the horse. “But our love is also real, and in the end, love wins.”
Also, these “This storm is making me tired,” said the
boy. “Storms get tired too,” said the horse, “So hold on.”
Weakness: Two things
helped me regain some basic level of strength in about 10 days. First, drinking
lots and lots of fluids. About 5 litres a day; water, coconut water, freshly
made juices, buttermilk, and ORS. I could feel the improvement each day and
even the difference on a day I had lower levels of fluids. Second, the fact
that I was relatively fitter and healthy. After about 10 days, the improvement
was not perceptible on a daily basis, and the delta became smaller with each
passing day. My fitness level is down to zero right now. It is as though I have
never exercised in my life. It may be a couple of months more before I go back
to my pre-covid levels of fitness and that would now require starting with some
conscious exercises and training. Patience is the key.
धीरे-धीरे रे मना, धीरे सब कुछ होय ।
माली सींचे सौ घड़ा, ॠतु आए फल होय ।
As Kabir says, everything happens at its own pace. As
a gardener may water the plants with a hundred buckets of water, but the fruits
arrive only in its season, similarly, whatever you may do, have patience and
you will see the fruits of your hard work.
Food: While in the
hospital, I lost 5kgs weight. My skin became dry, lost all elasticity, appeared
wrinkled and sagged. Just a couple of days after coming back home, my appetite
suddenly went up. I regained some taste. And wanted to eat all the time. Even
now, a month later, I feel like eating all the time. With increased appetite,
the weight came back, and some more ☹. Here, I must say that I ate regular food that is
cooked at home and did not make any attempt to eat healthier options that few people
suggested. I included seasonal fruits (only mangoes, litchis and watermelons) and
lots of fluids in my diet. The dryness of the skin has improved though it remains
loose. Again, exercise should help with toning.
जिन खोजा तिन पाइया, गहरे पानी पैठ,
मैं बपुरा बूडन डरा, रहा किनारे बैठ
In these couplets, Kabir inspires us to work hard and seek.
Those who search in deep waters, find something. Whereas those who sit at the fence
for fear of drowning do not get anything. So, I must pursue fitness
now and get rid of the fear that Covid has deep rooted in my mind, in order to get
back to the pre-Covid level of fitness.
Anxiety and Insomnia: These two have been my companions frequently in the past as well. But
I mostly had reasons to be anxious and could explain the sleeplessness. The
frequency has now increased, and I have no reasons now.
मुझे नींद न आए, मुझे चैन न आए…
हालत क्या है कैसे तुझे बताऊँ मैं,
करवट बदल-बदल के रात बिताऊँ मैं
पूछो ज़रा पूछो क्या हाल है, हाल मेरा बेहाल है
कोई समझ न पाए क्या रोग सताए…
This super hit song from the Madhuri Dixit and Amir
Khan starrer movie Dil (1990) describes my state quite well. The problem is
that it is very difficult to explain this to anyone. Why am I not sleeping? What
is bothering me? Even I don’t know. I cannot explain. It is just an after
effect of Covid.
Yes, I have tried counting 1 to 10 to calm my mind and
breath; yes, I have tried deep breathing many times but did not fall asleep;
yes, I have tried white noise and various apps; none of them worked. I just
hope this is temporary.
Concentration and memory: I’m an academician, a researcher. A lot of what I do requires me to have
a good memory, to pull out anecdotes, facts, numbers, and findings, that I
might have read long ago, from the depths of my memory. People used to tell me
that I have an elephant’s memory. I would remember the page number in a book
where I read something interesting. I have had moments in the last few weeks
when I have struggled to recall names and words. Similarly, I pride myself for
my ability to concentrate even amid many distractions. The nature of my work
requires me to concentrate. I am not able to watch or read for more than 2-3
minutes at a stretch now. I would be devastated if Covid has a long-lasting
impact on either my concentration or memory. I hope not.
Compare this to the days when I was doing a PhD. I had
flat mates who were working. They would come back from work and put on the TV
or loud music and partied often at our flat. I could study with complete focus at
those times too. Sometimes, when there were too many people around, I would go
and sit in the balcony that faced the very busy Banjara Hills Road Number 3
(Hyderabad) and studied under the streetlight that lit a part of the balcony as
well (the balcony itself had no bulb/tubelight). I could easily concentrate and
study even with all the noise on the road.
How do you feel? I have no answer to this question. It is a seesaw. On one day I feel
good, on the other very low. One day I have no perceptible issues, the very
next day, I feel that there is a faint ache in my heart that needs
investigation. Yesterday, I was laughing and joking with everyone, today, I
just want to be quiet. I don’t know how to answer this question.
One of my all-time favorite movies is Hrithik Roshan
and Preity Zinta starrer Lakshya (2004). Javed Akhtar wrote these lyrics that
seemed more like a conversation with a best friend rather than a song and were
beautifully given music to by Shankar, Ehsan and Loy.
अब मुझको ये है करना, अब मुझे वो करना है
आख़िर क्यूँ मैं ना जानूँ, क्या है कि जो करना है
लगता है अब जो सीधा, कल मुझे लगेगा उल्टा
देखो ना मैं हूँ जैसे, बिल्कुल उल्टा-पुल्टा
These lines play in my head every time someone asks me,
“How are you feeling now?” or “How’s your recovery?” In my mind even my
expressions are similar to those of Hrithik’s as he is dancing to this song.
However, I keep a straight face and say, “I am doing quite well. Thank you.”
Covid Conversations: The most difficult part of recovery is to stay positive.
Unfortunately, the time around which I had Covid, the cases were at their peak
across the country. There were depressing news of people losing the battle, shortage
of oxygen, medicines, beds, and deaths of people too close to home. Each day,
the conversations around the morning tea inevitably shifted to Covid updates even
though we started out saying that we will not talk about Covid. It had an
impact on the mood at home, it seemed like there was nothing to look forward to
and there was the survivor’s guilt as well as the reckoning that I had come so close
to becoming “news” myself. From the time the number of cases has started coming
down, there is a distinct positivity in my attitude and a desire to get well sooner.
Even though it is difficult, staying positive helps.
Many songs of Kishore Kumar are brilliant. However,
this one from Safar (1970) is perhaps one of his best (debatable of course).
ज़िन्दगी का सफ़र, है ये कैसा सफ़र
कोई समझा नहीं, कोई जाना नहीं
[The journey of life is incomprehensible. Nobody has
been able to understand it]
The unpredictability of life has been amply
demonstrated to us by Covid. However, it has also shown the helplessness of the
humankind and made us accept life the way it is…
ये जीवन है, इस जीवन का
यही है, यही है, यही है रंगरूप
थोड़े ग़म हैं, थोड़ी खुशियाँ
यही है, यही है, यही है छाँव धूप
- Piya Ka Ghar (1972), sung by Kishore Kumar
I hope this will be the concluding part of my
experiences with Covid and nothing major, worth writing about, happens hence
forth. I would like to end with a word of caution. I still see many people
relying on cloth masks. I too wore them. In fact, I have them in all variety;
Pochampally, Ikat, Madhubani, Kalamkari, with embroidery, in all colours to
match my dresses. They are not at all adequate. Don’t let your guard down.
Double mask up. Because it’s worth it!
